Sex is not so different from the landscape of pop culture and artistic expression that we try to navigate looking for the strange signposts of our ultimate fulfillment. There are many places those signs have been vandalized, but we persist in delving past our status quo understanding to the gems of purpose, meaning, and significance that lie beyond. Back before we decided to put ST to rest we had an all-sex issue planned. That sex installment will probably never materialize now, but, since we had a writer submit an article wherein he shared his long-standing struggle with sexuality, we decided to run with it and turn into a mini-theme. By his own admission, Michael's article on Spirituality and Sexuality does not offer much satisfactory resolution. In fact, we actually hesitated to run it because we thought it came across as almost ambivalent where we think there is more certainty to be found. We DID decide to run it though because we believe transparency is a virtue in itself and having the humility to reveal yourself warts, shit, and all is somehow close to God's heart. I appreciate Michael sharing his struggle because in my experience this addiction is far too common. And with the arrival of the Internet, I don't feel I exaggerate to call it rampant... epidemic even. Since I began opening up about my struggle for the last 6 or 7 years I have encountered so many others that admit the same struggle that I am much more shocked to find someone who is relatively un-fettered by it. Of course, the vast majority in the lust-club are guys, but I have met so many girls who also feel trapped by sexual habits they want to break. As Michael laments in his piece, the church, for the most part, has been far too loud when proclaiming commandments and condemning trespassers, but silent in bringing healing words of understanding and grace. We would like to be part of shattering that silence. So we bring you . . . . (scroll down)

Confessions of Saint Pervert

Now that we have all sat down and quieted ourselves in our group circle it's time to meet each other. I'll go first: "Hi, my name is Brian, and I'm a pervert." Now, though it might make an interesting business card, this is not something many people are comfortable hearing. Hi, my name is Brian, and I'm a pervert. Now I suppose that if I put my christian cap on I could make an argument that refutes this statement. I could argue that since I have put my faith in the redemption of Jesus and sought cleansing and forgiveness of my stained soul that I have become a new creation, a holy and blameless saint, a spotless child of God. I understand, in theory at least, that I have an assured identity and position in Christ and that my identity is no longer established by what I do or have done. Yet, there is a very real sense in which, much like an AA alumni who takes the alcoholic title to his grave, I find sobering ground in this statement by which to guard against the temptations to which I am prone. It reminds me to stay on guard and that I am never above and beyond returning to my "vomit." Hi, my name is Brian, and I'm a pervert. There is probably another reason I want to catapult this statement out there. It is likely that I am reacting against all the years of awkward silence, the embarrassed omission, the abysmal void which should have been filled with dialogue about sexual issues when I was growing up. I almost want to ram it into people's faces so that they would have to confront the very demons that they have tried so hard to suppress. To say these things are real, they are much closer to you than you ever thought, and they need to be dealt with by other means than avoidance. Obviously, the ignoring-it approach didn't help me.

I grew up a fairly sheltered kid. About as sheltered as you could be, I suppose, in this era of media saturation that we live in. Raised in a home which took its Christian faith very seriously, as it did its vigilance to protect the children from the "evil" permeating the dominant culture. While we had TV -- I knew many Christian families who went TV-less -- what we watched was strictly regulated and monitored. I can still very vividly remember when my parents sat me down for The Talk, because I can't remember any other time the words "penis", "vagina", or "intercourse" ever sounded from the mouth of either of my parents. It was just too uncomfortable for them, I think. I was young at the time, but I pretty much already had the sex idea down pat from listening to friends and, well, instinct I suppose. It was nothing new, except the words my parents used were a bit different than the vivid and lively vocabulary of my peers. Yep, I had many sex educators other than my parents. It was just as I hit puberty, unfortunately, that I discovered pornography. At a very formative time -- as I was trying to adjust to all-that-rages-within-male-adolescent-hormones -- I found, through the unwitting help of a relative, the wrong kind of textbook to be my tutor: a Penthouse magazine. I didn't have the willpower muscles developed to deal with this situation. My Sunday school teacher never brought up how to sail this uncharted sea. I think I would have soiled my pants if either of my parents ever said the word "masturbation" to me. It wasn't that I was unaware that this was "pornography" -- I had heard it denounced as a horrendous evil many times, but I was completely unprepared for personally being exposed to it. I think things would have been different if someone had spent time discussing with me its dangers and false promises, and the many reasons to avoid it. It might have given me some ammuntion to use if someone had helped me sift through what was healthy sexual urges and normal curiosity as opposed to unhealthy lust. The rest of my teen years on into my early twenties can be summed up very briefly, because there was not much variation. Pornography was only occasionally involved, but mostly because access wasn't convenient (pre-internet days) and I had made a vow never to spend money on the filth even after I turned 18, which, ironically I kept. But masturbation and sexual fantasy became a habit, a secret life I harbored, a guilt which fermented, and a chronic blowout in my relationship with God. Though I thought it was despicable and knew logically it was a ridiculous choice, it was a cycle I couldn't break. I know now some of the many reasons which drove me in that direction. Circumstances would cause me to feel stressed-out, angry, inadequate, unattractive, less-than, or a failure in some way and into that pit I would stumble looking for some form of comfort. And the shame and self-hatred which came as a result would only keep me spinning in the same self-perpetuating circle. Sure, I would have periods of successfully applied willpower, but it never lasted. In some ways it turned me into a schizo because I had to keep this other person buried so deep so that it would not affect my outer life. I was desperately afraid someone would discover it. For over a decade I sealed up the deepest part of my soul and inner life from my family and those around me, because I thought I would be despised if anyone ever found out what lurked there.

Now, I knew that there was an entirely different approach to these issues out there coming down through the pipes of the locker room, music and movies, and sex ed. in school... I knew that there was a philosophy which said that sexual fantasy, masturbation and even pornography were normal outlets and even healthy human behavior. It was only natural for young people to experiment and to be curious about their bodies and sex. I knew that guilt over these things was considered a negative residual effect of centuries of repressive, puritanical, religious rules. Part of me desperately wanted to believe that and to be able to expunge all the guilt and shame and feel liberated, to even revel in those things. But I could never quite buy it. Even if it wasn't wrong, at the very least I could not shake the conviction that it was not the best or highest path to choose. Besides, I wasn't blind to the downward spiral taking place in me, which, among other things, was affecting how I related to the opposite sex. I also knew there had to be something wrong when you feel like you don't have control anymore. I wanted to stop and I couldn't. Well this tabloid finally turned a corner about 8 years ago as I launched out towards finding freedom. The process and the battle still continues, as it will till I die, but I know what freedom feels like now and I know how to get there. I could never pass myself off as one who is sagely imparting wisdom from the other side of the river standing on the shores of victory. Too many people know me too well; I also don't want to make any 10 step lists... I hate those -- it's never that simple. But there are some things I have been taught in this process that I want to share.

The most important thing I have learned is the power of confession. Confession lets the air and light into the moldy slime factories of our hearts and dries up all the bacteria which thrives in the confines of the dark. The gate which allows people into our hearts is the same gate which allows the Spirit of God, and when we open ourselves to others in humility it allows the healing of God to start shredding the gangrene. And it works for just about any unsavory behavior in your life. The results of confession are the opposite of what we would think: though there is always the risk of prideful self-righteous people being repulsed, but most people are drawn to you when you admit your struggles. Humility is letting ourselves be known for who we are, and humility attracts. The worst thing that suffers is your pride, and that can always use a pounding anyway. I have sat through many confessions in groups and one-on-ones and heard just about everything: drug abuse, child abuse, homosexual encounters, occult rituals, sexual addiction, adultery, vandalism, even bank robbery... and many of these grew up as children of pastors and elders of the church. Without fail, the people involved were drawn closer together when the dust settled.  Nothing much shocks me, because I know first-hand a little of the perversity my own mind and heart are capable of, but more important I know that there is nothing so repulsive God cannot cleanse. There is so much more grace than we can imagine... we have not even begun to tap into it because we have not yet begun to grapple with just how dark our hearts really are. "Where sin abounds, grace much more abounds..." This is an understanding the church at large sorely lacks. Of course we are sickened by the seemingly never-ending reports of church leaders caught in adultery and sexual misconduct. But these men and women did not just overnight make a decision to cast all they believe aside and embrace this behavior. They probably started out sincere bright eyed interns and seminarians with visions of serving God and their fellow man with their whole heart. They probably had no more than the average struggle with lust; but once embarked on the path of "ministry" they endured years of silent struggling, with their "problem" slowly but surely growing like a cancer. The higher they climbed, the less able they became to admit their struggle and seek help, because there is so much pressure to maintain the image of "man or woman of God." And the higher you reach in the ecclesiastical hierarchy the more the secrecy pressure builds...and it all rides on the classic shiny-rimmed wheels of pride. We think so much is revolving around us: if the truth gets out people will feel let down and disillusioned, it will sabotage what God is accomplishing in my ministry. The difficulty in getting free is proportional to the amount of personal pride invested in your identity as a leader and "minister." It's a terrible trap and the only way out is confession. If only the church was a safe place to confess, for even a priest or pastor to be as fallible as the rest of us. If only sexual sins were not categorized as more shameful than gossip, vanity, gluttony, materialism, and coveting. Confession is the closest thing I know to a magic cure to addiction of this kind, but it's not enough. It breaks the back of the beast, but it doesn't entirely kill it. After the initial episodes of confessing my struggle and getting into accountability I went for two years without another "lust incident," not that there wasn't struggle... But then it reared its ugly head yet again. I half suspect that I had become prideful of my so-called victory over lust, and that became my downfall. Regardless of the reason, it was very hard to go through that confession process again. But that it the beauty of it. It nails your pride to the wall and cut off its big swollen... um powercells... The drive loses its momentum and fuel to enslave. After confession though, you have to walk through the practical steps to make sure those... um... powercells don't grow back. You have to make yourself accountable to people. You have to do things to renew your mind and change your thought patterns... meditating on truth of scripture and the beauty of purity and the reasons God created sex. And if you don't know the truth to counter those thoughts, then ask. Ask God to show you, read books, ask people you respect. In some ways it becomes very much a thought-by-thought conversion. You have to catch your gnarly old thoughts as they pop up and dismantle them with truth.... After 8 years I have compiled a long mental list of things I meditate on which help me combat this temptation: why it's wrong, what the root of my lust is, the beauty of God's design for sex... there are hundreds of reasons but there isn't enough space here and now...

The most recent thing I've learned about this temptation is that the deepest core need I am trying to fulfill is the desire for intimacy. Sex and nakedness are the strongest physical pictures we have of intimacy. When I am in real, vulnerable relationship with friends and family, when we are sharing the deeper parts of ourselves, even the ugly, and experiencing the acceptance of intimacy, then I don't feel that drive to surf the internet looking for bare flesh, or to cruise the beach or the clubs looking to hook-up. The most vital intimacy, though, is with God himself. It cannot be emphasized enough. Realizing his mercy endures forever, that he desires to spend time with me, that he actually delights in me no matter what filth I wallow in... If I am spending time in what I can only describe as his Presence.. pouring out my heart in worship and prayer and maintaining that open connection, then my desire for intimacy is satisfied The other core need I am trying to meet is desire for beauty. Desire for beauty is something that was instilled in us by God. He is Beauty and he made us to desire him. We need to know that Beauty finds us desirable. His beauty wakens us to our own beauty and desirability when he embraces us and we find we are accepted and we belong. That is why I have always suffered from the-prettiest-lass-at-the-table syndrome. I always want to be noticed by the most beautiful girl because that tells me something about my own attractiveness. If someone special notices me, then I feel I am someone special. The sad thing is that, in truth, I am already inestimably valuable to the Most Beautiful, Most Amazing Being in existence and I wander everywhere-but in search of that confirmation. When that Truth is real to me is when I am at peace. I can be relaxed about the fact that there is an opposite sex; I don't get neck whiplash from scoping out the hotties on the highway; every interaction with a girl doesn't became a game to elicit attraction; interactions with the guys don't become stud contests; I begin to see the true value of others and I can even feel a sense of grief when I see a girl scantily clad, because she doesn't realize the value of what she is sharing... a guy should be willing to give his whole life up to have the privilege of experiencing that intimacy. If Jesus was willing to give his life for the chance to become one in spirit with her on a spiritual level, who am I to dare take the physical privilege so lightly? The price he paid for union with us tells us something of its value. Intimacy, whether physical, emotional, or spiritual, is priceless and not to be given or received without a certain amount of trembling. There is a certain element of terror that should accompany your approach to sex because you have glimpsed a hint of its staggering significance and realize how ill prepared you are to swim in its depths of beauty, vulnerablity, giving, selflessness, rapture, union, and pure fun....

I don't want this to turn into a sex and relationships primer -- there are already more than enough out there -- but I want to share one last thing for the guys out there. It is one of my gargantumungest (that means very biggest) pet peeves. I cannot count the number of times I have heard Christian guys telling me about how they can't wait to get married so that they can finally get down to doing the horizontal gymnastics. You know.... because the commands of God prohibit sex before marriage, but by saying the magic words "I do" then the curtain drops and the prize is finally yours to have. All that pent up sexual energy suddenly becomes legal to indulge. BULLSHIT!! And I do mean Bullshit! There should be an immediate red flag waving if sex is the one aspect of future marriage that dominates your thoughtscape. (Or, if it dominates your thoughts at all.) Lust is not something that only exists on the "single" side of wedding vows. Marriage will not solve your lust problems because it gives you "an outlet." I know that the Apostle Paul writes that it is better to marry than to burn with desire, but he is not saying that marriage legitimizes all your cravings and makes everything legal in God's eyes. You need to sift through your desires and be willing to recognize that there is a difference between loving sexual desire and lustful sexual desire. Whatever lust you have before marriage you will take into your marriage bed. There is a difference between lust and the desire which God intended. You can still use your wife selfishly... there is even such thing as wife-rape... and pornography can still own you, married or not. You owe it to your future (or present) wife to get your "burning" under control so that you can truly cherish her the way she deserves. I believe that is something we all want to do, so lets be ruthless with ourselves.

I don't really know how to end this piece especially with so many things unsaid... I can only hope that I haven't come across as trying to give any pat easy answers, or making things sound too cut and dry. Maybe you've heard this stuff so many times it's become mind-numbing. But maybe today is the day you are desperate enough to make a choice to shake off what my co-producer Josh calls our "lust-slumber" and take a very difficult step towards healthy freedom. Please turn off your cliche alarm because these next words overflow with meaning we have not yet begun to grasp: Sex is a sacred, beautiful gift from God. We think we understand it, but we are really clueless. In whatever way you have engaged in sexual behavior, it is highly probable that it slumps pretty far below being able to call it Loving... Sacred... Selfless... Life-giving... Healing... Earth-shaking... Cherishing... It is very likely that you would use other words: empty, rushed, wrong time, wrong person, used, using, manipulated, manipulating, lonely, guilty, regret-full, ashamed, disappointed, selfish, driven, secretive, furtive, pressured...though no one is saying it didn't feel good at the time. It may have been heavy groping on the couch with your girlfriend or hard-core porn involving children.... You could have been either victim or aggressor in child molesting, rape.... There is nothing God cannot heal; there is nothing God cannot forgive. Though it may not be easy, new habits can be learned and new patterns can be developed. Sex can be beautiful, profound, care-free, fun, and sacred again.. or, for the first time. Brian Heflin -- Saint Pervert (email him)